My love for you will still remain,
Even though it causes so much pain.
It doesn’t die as easily,
Despite how badly we try to kill it.
Putting poison in my viens,
I want you out of my head.
The hardest thing is–
Blackouts were something we shared.
So falling into that despair
Is stained with you.
How do I get away?
Such a fucking shame…
You hurt when you see me?
I hurt. Always.
It’s not a new feeling for me.
This has been manifesting.
Since I first laid eyes on you–
Confusion and contemplation.
You can be mad. Be fucking mad.
I’ve been mad,
So it’s about fucking time you caught up.
I can’t even write about you. That’s when you know it’s bad. When the story I’ve been working on for years, suddenly seems like trash because it’s written about you.
You and your inconsiderate heart, me and my vulnerable soul.
That’s what this story seems to be about.
But, I can’t keep playing the victim. I chose to be broken by you. I searched for someone like you, to release all of the demons I had hiding so deeply within me.
So, I feel like this story may have changed its purpose in my life. No longer am I romanticizing you and our crazy, reckless, inconsistent love. It is a story of a girl and boy who broke each other and could never be the same again.
I think the problem with me is that I tend to get bored easily. Everything at the beginning is new and exciting, but then it becomes repetitive and tedious.
It’s like how at school, I couldn’t get through classes by the end. I just couldn’t even look at a textbook without feeling completely emptied of any passion I may have had when I first purchased it.
What’s wrong with me? Is this a normal, healthy state of being? Or is it something I must learn to rid of?
I like following my impulses, reaching for one bad habit after the next. I enjoy the thrill of substances and material purchases and a bout full of sugary foods. I like to hit cigarette after cigarette and type out story after story.
I live to avoid, to avoid being still or to avoid reality.
I guess that’s why when I’m with someone, I can’t stand it. They put me in this consistent, tedious reality that I’m unable to escape without hurting them. When I’m alone, I can make decision after decision without it affecting much other people. When I was with someone, my decisions had consequences for them.
I don’t know how to be still. I don’t know if I want to be.
My mind flows from one project to the next, one idea to the next, one love to the next. It’s what helps me experience life and everything to the fullest. Is that so wrong?
I feel free. I saw you today and I almost smiled. I haven’t talked to you in a few days and I’m happy. I didn’t think I’d feel this way, but I do. I’m going to embrace it, because I deserve to be happy. Even if I did make you sad. I can only be in control of my own emotions, not yours. As much as I’d like to make you happy– that’s all I’ve been trying to do since we’ve been friends. I’ve put your emotions in front of mine for too long. It’s what I did for him too. The both of you were my number ones and I was always number two, just like I was for you.
I’ve cared so much and you’ve cared so little, wrapped up in your own life and drama of your love. You forgot I was there, in the sidelines cheering you on. Always there when you were down, when you didn’t want him, when you didn’t have him to hold. I was there. For the both of you. Open ears, open mind, open arms, but I left my heart closed. Because if it remained opened, I would’ve gotten burned, which is exactly what happened. I finally opened it. I finally opened my heart and my mouth to speak and you quickly shut it down. You can feel, but I can’t. You can love, but I can’t. You can fight, but I can’t. You can stir up drama and hate and confusion, but I can’t. I must remain silent around you and it hurts. It’s my own fault though. I shouldn’t fall into those bad habits. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, talk to me without listening to me, judge me without hearing me out, fight with me without considering my side. When that’s all I do. All I do is wonder about you. How you’re doing. How he’s doing. How you’re both fucking doing and it hurts. Maybe I ended this the wrong way, but at least I ended it. I can say more than you can.
Like the seasons, people leave.
Sometimes they are as harsh as a winter breeze,
Or as soft as a fallen leaf.
Either way they make their mark–
Causing scars all over your heart.
Just know you’ll survive when they part.
To really live we need both rain and shine.
Realize this and you’ll be fine.
People will keep passing as fast as time–
Taking your breath away like blooming spring flowers,
Lasting for months or only a few hours.
Bringing upon unexpected beauty and pain like May showers.
When they leave, they’ll take their weather–
The storm that you had created together.
But after a storm comes the sun and you won’t be missing them forever.