Please don’t be a season

Please don’t be a season.

Don’t be a fallen leaf in Autumn that slowly dies as it hits the pavement.

Don’t be the touch of snow on skin that quickly melts away in Winter.

Don’t be the rainbow after rain, hiding behind clouds of grey in Spring.

Don’t be warm beach days, fresh green grass and bright sunny rays that pass by as quickly as time does in the Summer.

You’re not allowed to come in and out of my life like the weather.

I want you for years to come.

I want you like the comfort of sitting down after every long day, knowing it’s a luxury whether on the floor or a coushioned chair.

I want you like the tattoo on the bottom of my neck, wearing out from too much sun exposure, but always holding meaning within my skin.

I want you like the memories written in books passed down for generations– causing stories to be diluted, but still partaking in history.

I want you like all of my body, maybe growing weaker as I get older, but always remaining, always trying, still working after so much vulnerability.

You are not just a season to me, you are a year. A year full of life, memories, sunshine, rainy days, snow fall and golden brown leaves on the ground.

Please don’t just be another season.

Freedom

I feel free. I saw you today and I almost smiled. I haven’t talked to you in a few days and I’m happy. I didn’t think I’d feel this way, but I do. I’m going to embrace it, because I deserve to be happy. Even if I did make you sad. I can only be in control of my own emotions, not yours. As much as I’d like to make you happy– that’s all I’ve been trying to do since we’ve been friends. I’ve put your emotions in front of mine for too long. It’s what I did for him too. The both of you were my number ones and I was always number two, just like I was for you.

I’ve cared so much and you’ve cared so little, wrapped up in your own life and drama of your love. You forgot I was there, in the sidelines cheering you on. Always there when you were down, when you didn’t want him, when you didn’t have him to hold. I was there. For the both of you. Open ears, open mind, open arms, but I left my heart closed. Because if it remained opened, I would’ve gotten burned, which is exactly what happened. I finally opened it. I finally opened my heart and my mouth to speak and you quickly shut it down. You can feel, but I can’t. You can love, but I can’t. You can fight, but I can’t. You can stir up drama and hate and confusion, but I can’t. I must remain silent around you and it hurts. It’s my own fault though. I shouldn’t fall into those bad habits. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, talk to me without listening to me, judge me without hearing me out, fight with me without considering my side. When that’s all I do. All I do is wonder about you. How you’re doing. How he’s doing. How you’re both fucking doing and it hurts. Maybe I ended this the wrong way, but at least I ended it. I can say more than you can.

Love will find you

The beautiful thing about it is that it happens unexpectedly. A fire that was only a single burning flame inside you will suddenly ignite and heat up your insides like an oven. Consuming you to the point of confusion. You didn’t want it. You weren’t searching for it. That’s when it is the most worthwhile, because that’s when you know it’s real.

There’s no forcing small talk or judging appearances. It happens when you watch someone sip their coffee across the table from you and you suddenly wonder why you’re so intrigued by it. It happens when they speak and you’re suddenly more attentive than you are with others. It happens when you lay awake in the middle of the night because they come to mind.

Love is a feeling. Imagine the feeling of anger you get after an argument or when you’re suddenly depressed by a bad grade. It’s something that is completely out of our control. We don’t expect our emotions to come and go when they do, they have a mind of their own. So does love.

It’ll find you when you’re working an eight hour shift or taking yourself out for breakfast. It’ll find you when your out for a girls night. It’ll find you when you’re reading silently on your favorite bench at a park. Creeping up on you like a rumble in your stomach when you forget to eat all day.

So, don’t fret about finding love. You can swipe through every match on your tinder app or fawn over every pretty face that walks into the same room, but that will not be how you find love. You can’t possibly find love this way, because it finds you.