I’m not here for you

I’m tired. I’m tired of being the mediator. I’m tired of being the only person giving a shit at work. I’m tired of being there for everyone, but having no one there for me. I’m tired of living in everyone’s life and not my own. I do not live for others. I do not live to sit there and listen to you talk about your boyfriend. I do not live to watch and cheer you on as you achieve your dreams. I do not live to pleasure you. I do not live to make all of the arrangements and plans for the sake of your happiness. I do not live for you.

I’m not going to do it anymore. When it gets to the point where I can’t even sit on my own and decide what to do with myself, I know I’ve been focused on others for too long. It’s happened before and I’m not going to keep letting it happen. I want to achieve my own dreams, to search for my own happiness. I want to be able to sit alone and figure out what the fuck to do with myself because I’ll know what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to have to feel like I need others in order to feel a sense of drive.

We’re not to be driven and motivated by the desire to make other people happy, because once they are gone they take that happiness with them. What are you left with then? You feel a loss of energy for the work you put into them and you gain nothing from it. Fuck that. I’m tired of putting my energy into others. It’s time to focus on me.

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Fighting the feelings

I haven’t been feeling as ambitious as I know I could be. At one point in my life that’s all I was, ambitious to become someone better, smarter, healthier, and organized. I’ve slowly let all of this go because when I was ambitious, it was to the point of being overly worked and stressed out 24/7. Maybe I fear that feeling and that’s why I’ve let go. I miss it though, the thirst and drive. Now I’m parched, but I fail to reach for a glass of water.

Feelings tend to get in the way of actions. I know this. I knew this when I was going through depression and refused to get out of bed some mornings. My list of chores and goals for the day completely ignored. But, I’m recovered now. At least enough to where I can get out of bed every morning, even if it’s reluctantly. I want to be ambitious again. I want to feel my feelings of laziness, of being unmotivated or tired and still continue on the path that I need to take to become the person I want to be.

That’s the thing with the connection between feelings and actions. We tend to think that one will always cause another. In my case, it has been my feelings taking control of the actions I take, but I know this can change. I’ve forced myself to write when I was unwilling and once I started seeing words appear before my eyes, my motivation had changed. It’s beautiful to watch. It’s like rain disappearing and turning to a bright sunny sky, with a rainbow appearing overhead. I can do this, I know. I just need a reminder that my feelings don’t have to have control all the time.

When I feel like smoking a cigarette, I really don’t have to. When I feel like staying in bed, I have the choice to jump out of my covers and plaster a smile on my face. When I feel like calling out of work, I can put in earbuds blasting some dubstep to get me in the mood. It’s the actions I take that can completely transform the feelings that may develop due to biological tendencies.

So, even though I’m scared, I need to keep trying. I don’t want to look back at my life only to realize I could’ve done more. I want to write a book. I want to get my degree. I want to be healthy. I want to convince others to do what they need to do to achieve their own goals and I know the only way I can do that is by doing it myself.

I couldn’t save the fish

A costumer had left a plastic bag of six tiny gold fish outside of our store today. Just sitting there in the heat, squished together in the bag full of luke warm water and their own feces. When a man brought in the bag and handed it over, I picked it up with joy. I stared into the bag and watched the fish swim around in complete fear of my nose being so close to the plastic.

I told my coworkers that I would keep them. I was so excited. Something to care for, something to buy things for and love and give names to. Despite all my coworkers looking at me like I was crazy and saying they would die within a couple of days.

I still rushed home and poured then into a plastic container with fresh water. I was in the midst of planning my next trip to petco for supplies when I noticed one floating at the top of the water. They literally started dying a minute after I got them home. I don’t know what had happened.

I wanted to cry though. Watching as they started slowing creeping up to the top of the water, motionless, I decided to just flush them all down the toilet before I had to see the last 2 fall into the same fate.

I know I seem really pathetic and I’m overreacting, but I’ve been feeling extremely sympathetic to animals lately. There’s been a stronger desire to change my eating habits once again and I’ve always had veganism in the back of my mind. It’s always just floating there, like a dead fish in water. That’s all it is though, because without actually going through with it and taking the action needed to become vegan, it will always remain lifeless.

I’m going to try some new things though. We’ll see where these choices take me.

When depression hits

You start by getting up in the morning. Even if you really don’t feel like it. Even if your covers seem like a good way to hide, realize putting them over you head when the sun shines through your blinds only makes the darkness more cultivating. It makes your mood more low, your aspirations for the day less likely. I think that’s the hardest part. Getting up even though every inch of you refuses to. Your ears refusing to hear your alarm. Your arms refusing to stretch. Your legs refusing to get up. Your mind refusing to think. Your soul refusing to hope. Even after you get up, your eyes will lay low and you wonder where to even start.

I always start by eating. It can be both a problem and solution. Although eating has always caused problems for me in the past, I know it’s one of the only ways to convince myself that getting up from my bed is somehow worth it. The first bite into a fresh juicy peach can somehow produce a small ray of light within my darkened perspective. Then a cigarette, because I need to get outside, even if it’s just for a few minutes so I can look up at the sun and feel the rays hit my face. That small hint of vitamin D extracted from the light causing a flutter of joy to thoughts of my day.

Realizing that I’ve been here before, that the darkness has overcome me and I’ve let it take over completely to the point of no return. To a point of hiding out for 24 hours only to regret it when I finally escape. I can’t let it do that. Not this time. Even as I type this, my bed is in the other room, my covers mangled and ready to confine me. I can’t even sit down on them, because I know what will happen. The little rays of sunshine I get from outside may not be enough. I have to go on a walk or something.

Yesterday I felt almost manic. I’m starting to wonder if I really am bi-polar or if it’s just another excuse for me to fall back onto my emotions when they’re repeatedly going up and down like this. A high high and a low low. That is my life. When things feel good, they’re extremely good. And when things get bad, fuck they get so bad. But, it’s not as bad as before and that’s what I have to remember.

Fuck. I just want to go back to bed.

Drunken thoughts

I’m falling asleep while thinking about it. I’m an addict so I can’t help it. Waking up in hospitals and expensive bar tabs can’t stop me so what makes me think she can? She can’t. That’s the problem, so instead I lay here thinking about how I can allow myself to get what I want, but what will happen afterwards?

How have I managed this long without doing it? It’s the love maybe. Maybe I love her too much to ever let me hurt her. If I did it, I know it’d be over. Everything. Which is way more scarring than waking up without memory of the night before or losing money to too many cranberry vodkas. And so I hold myself back. Every second, every minute, every hour. It is on my mind but I’m in control for once.

That should mean something right? Despite the waves of emotions crashing into my heart, I keep floating. It’s like I’m sailing on a boat with holes beneath my feet. The water is streaming through my toes and raising passed my ankles. But I’ve been here before. I know letting the water take me only causes me to drown. So, I cover the holes with my feet until I’m able to keep peddling through the waves and make it to safety. I’ll get through this. I know I can. I won’t let this bull shit happen again.

 

No more morning shots

I’m feeling sick to my stomach again. It could be the over consumption of junk food I’ve been munching down or the cigarette smoking used to avoid my thoughts, but it’s definitely more than just that. I’m starting to realize that I haven’t been myself lately. That’s when you start to get most uncomfortable, when you realize the life you’re living isn’t for you. It’s when you realize that you have to start making changes again.

I spent some time chasing after a guy who took me on stage at clubs and drank whiskey at 9 in the morning. I evolved myself so much in the lifestyle, that when I wasn’t around him I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was this on again off again thing and I’m not talking about the relationship with him. I’m talking about the one I had with myself. It was a battle of following my heart and pushing myself into a world that I did not belong in versus going back into the world I did.

Now that this guy is out of my life, I’ve come to the realization that I have to start rebuilding it. I’ve done this too many times. Left the life I know I’m supposed to live in order to be with a guy I have feelings for. I want to learn how to stop doing that. If I’m going to be with someone, I need them to understand that my life isn’t going to suddenly change for them. I’m going to want to keep writing at my same coffee shop every morning, not take shots of whiskey. I also like sleeping, preferably not just a drunken half sleep that causes me to wake up with a headache in the morning.

So, no more jumping into other people’s lives. It only causes me to come back to this empty feeling, like I lost myself while trying to find someone else. It’s just not going to work for me. I need to stay committed to my own life, at least until I build a foundation strong enough to where it doesn’t collapse as soon as my heart starts beating for a new love.

You don’t get to be sad.

I remember when I hurt someone really badly. It took me a while to understand the intensity of consequences my actions made on this individual. This has happened multiple times and I have only recently realized the truth behind learning from such mistakes. After hurting someone, I felt the need to blame everything and everyone. I blamed  only parts of myself as well, but never myself completely. I blamed my personality, my faults, my parents, my mental state, my fucked up past. I found ways to put blame on anything and everything that could make me feel better about what I had done.

Now I know. Now I know how to take responsibility for the mistakes I have made. Instead of being sad about what I do or finding something to blame, I take accountability.

When you hurt someone, you don’t get to be sad. You don’t get to ask for pity, for a second chance, for forgiveness. You fucking own up to the mistake. You admit you messed up and in order to really show that you’re sorry, you have to change for the better so that it doesn’t happen again.

The reason we say “people never change” is only because we don’t want to. We tend to blame parts of ourselves for the issues in our lives, as if those parts are manifested in us for all eternity. It’s as if we were destined to be cheaters, bad friends, our own worst enemy.

We put the blame on what we think is permanent and that’s what causes the habitual messes in our lives. Instead of fucking admitting we have done something wrong and keep doing something wrong because of our own thoughts, actions and reactions, we continue to do the stupid shit we do because we find excuses for ourselves to do it. My parents never cared for me, so I isolate myself from those who try to. I was constantly abused instead of loved, so I hold onto bad relationships. I was surrounded by alcoholics as a child, so I became one.

You’re choosing these actions every day and unless you admit to your personal, deliberate choices, than you’re right-you will never change.You will never be able to show those you’ve hurt how sorry you actually are, because nobody is going to believe an apology that is followed by the same actions that caused such hurt in the first place.

It’s not true that people can’t change. It is true that it’s hard as fuck to change. It’s hard to go from being a cheater, to finally settling down. It’s hard going from an addict to sobriety or even a casual drinker. It’s hard to have been a felon and somehow morph into a model citizen, but it’s possible.

Changing is the hardest thing a person could ever do, yet the most courageous and strong willed thing as well. It’s what makes you the ultimate being. It’s what causes so much other greatness in your life. It’s what causes you to defeat your fears, conquer your dreams and finally confront your demons.