I’m falling asleep while thinking about it. I’m an addict so I can’t help it. Waking up in hospitals and expensive bar tabs can’t stop me so what makes me think she can? She can’t. That’s the problem, so instead I lay here thinking about how I can allow myself to get what I want, but what will happen afterwards?
How have I managed this long without doing it? It’s the love maybe. Maybe I love her too much to ever let me hurt her. If I did it, I know it’d be over. Everything. Which is way more scarring than waking up without memory of the night before or losing money to too many cranberry vodkas. And so I hold myself back. Every second, every minute, every hour. It is on my mind but I’m in control for once.
That should mean something right? Despite the waves of emotions crashing into my heart, I keep floating. It’s like I’m sailing on a boat with holes beneath my feet. The water is streaming through my toes and raising passed my ankles. But I’ve been here before. I know letting the water take me only causes me to drown. So, I cover the holes with my feet until I’m able to keep peddling through the waves and make it to safety. I’ll get through this. I know I can. I won’t let this bull shit happen again.