I’m feeling sick to my stomach again. It could be the over consumption of junk food I’ve been munching down or the cigarette smoking used to avoid my thoughts, but it’s definitely more than just that. I’m starting to realize that I haven’t been myself lately. That’s when you start to get most uncomfortable, when you realize the life you’re living isn’t for you. It’s when you realize that you have to start making changes again.
I spent some time chasing after a guy who took me on stage at clubs and drank whiskey at 9 in the morning. I evolved myself so much in the lifestyle, that when I wasn’t around him I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was this on again off again thing and I’m not talking about the relationship with him. I’m talking about the one I had with myself. It was a battle of following my heart and pushing myself into a world that I did not belong in versus going back into the world I did.
Now that this guy is out of my life, I’ve come to the realization that I have to start rebuilding it. I’ve done this too many times. Left the life I know I’m supposed to live in order to be with a guy I have feelings for. I want to learn how to stop doing that. If I’m going to be with someone, I need them to understand that my life isn’t going to suddenly change for them. I’m going to want to keep writing at my same coffee shop every morning, not take shots of whiskey. I also like sleeping, preferably not just a drunken half sleep that causes me to wake up with a headache in the morning.
So, no more jumping into other people’s lives. It only causes me to come back to this empty feeling, like I lost myself while trying to find someone else. It’s just not going to work for me. I need to stay committed to my own life, at least until I build a foundation strong enough to where it doesn’t collapse as soon as my heart starts beating for a new love.