I feel like I’ve been trying really hard to achieve my goals that the reason behind the reason I started fighting for them disappeared. I wanted to go to college so that I could educate myself, learn something about my life and the world around me so that maybe I can get answers to the overbearing questions that pop up in my head. Now I see myself crying over bad grades or missed opportunities to stand out in a classroom. It gets so bad that I don’t even want to go to lectures… I’ll think “I could always just listen to the podcast” or I’ll literally tell myself that I don’t care. I don’t care if I miss a lecture filled with information that I’m paying thousands of dollars for- scratch that- my parents are paying thousands of dollars for.
I’ve also been struggling with my pursuit into a healthier lifestyle. I started off so positively, running because I enjoyed the adrenaline rush and eating healthier foods because they actually made me feel better physically. All of a sudden I’m counting calories, restricting myself, and forcing myself to do things that I just don’t want to do. It’s all been way out of hand for me. I’ve been struggling and yesterday I had somewhat of an epiphany.
I was singing on the car ride home with my sister and mom, realizing for once I wasn’t solely focused on my body or how inadequate I was. I was happy, in the moment. Positivity. That’s what I’ve been missing throughout my journey to becoming a better person. I’ve been fighting so hard to achieve my goals, but it’s all been revolved around negative emotions. I’ve been working through fear, depression and hate. No wonder I haven’t gotten anywhere. I’ve been stuck for so damn long, trying so many different ways to escape this on-going cycle and I’ve finally realized what I need to do to get out of it.
The work I do in school is all benefiting my future, my education and me as a person. I love learning. That’s why I am there. This struggle with being healthy and having a nice body isn’t a form of punishment. It’s a reward for myself. I deserve to be healthy, just like anybody else.