Please don’t be a season

Please don’t be a season.

Don’t be a fallen leaf in Autumn that slowly dies as it hits the pavement.

Don’t be the touch of snow on skin that quickly melts away in Winter.

Don’t be the rainbow after rain, hiding behind clouds of grey in Spring.

Don’t be warm beach days, fresh green grass and bright sunny rays that pass by as quickly as time does in the Summer.

You’re not allowed to come in and out of my life like the weather.

I want you for years to come.

I want you like the comfort of sitting down after every long day, knowing it’s a luxury whether on the floor or a coushioned chair.

I want you like the tattoo on the bottom of my neck, wearing out from too much sun exposure, but always holding meaning within my skin.

I want you like the memories written in books passed down for generations– causing stories to be diluted, but still partaking in history.

I want you like all of my body, maybe growing weaker as I get older, but always remaining, always trying, still working after so much vulnerability.

You are not just a season to me, you are a year. A year full of life, memories, sunshine, rainy days, snow fall and golden brown leaves on the ground.

Please don’t just be another season.

Selfish

You can’t be happy for me. It’s called being selfish. You miss me in your life only because you’re lonely, only because it has changed for the worst for you. I’m happy. Understand I’ve made the right decision for me and if you did the same to me then I would understand. Some people don’t help us grow. Some people damage us when we try to hold onto them. My grip was so tightly wrapped around you and you had no idea. You didn’t feel me. You didn’t even fucking notice. It wasn’t until I let go when you felt some kind of loss. You took advantage of my love and the worst thing is you didn’t even know it. At least if you knew the extent at which I tried, it would’ve been easier. You didn’t even know, because you didn’t even care. And now you look at me, anger filling your light blue eyes. I hope you know I’m used to that face. Filled with anger when you see me. I’m used to disappointing you and pissing you off because your emotions were so easily angered. It’s called being selfish. Because when I don’t care to your needs, you get pissed off. You challenged our friendship so often because you didn’t fucking care. You hurt me without knowing and maybe that’s my own fault, but I thought I made it obvious. I thought all the times I stood by you for hours watching you mix, or being the only one to dance at your shows, or convincing your girlfriend to stay, or trying my hardest to hold back my true feelings would make it obvious. It may be my own fault, but it doesn’t mean I have to stay and continue to deal with those consequences. You’re hurt because I left. You’re hurt because I couldn’t be in a friendship where only I tried and you gave no shits. I’m sorry for saving my energy. I’m sorry for saving my time. I’m sorry for finally putting myself over you. I should’ve never pretended like I was okay. I should’ve never acted like I wasn’t suffering. I was. Now you know and you’re mad. Fuck you. I didn’t mean shit to you. Stop acting like I did.

Shane

You’ve shown me what I’ve been missing. So I’m sorry for the sudden attachment. I’m taking advantage of all the good feelings you give me. 

I’ve kept my heart closed for sometime and didn’t realize this until I started getting close to you. Not that you opened it. You didn’t pry. You didn’t take a wrench and screw with me until I gave in. You’ve been unlike the others. 

You waited. Sat patiently until I slowly tip toed over to you with curiosity. Until I reached out and touched you with my fingertips, only then did you do the same. You waited until I touched first, until I kissed first, until I opened up first. You made me feel like I could first.

I think that’s what made it so easy. You let me know beforehand that there wasn’t going to be any hurt. You proved you were someone I could open up to without being shut back closed. 

I’ve been hurt before and you make me forget that. I’ve been broken before and you make me feel repaired.

I don’t love easy. I’ve refused to. I’ve relied on myself and committed to being alone so that others couldn’t take advantage again. 

I don’t love easy. I don’t give myself easy. I don’t spend a majority of my time thinking about another person because I know what it leads to.

I don’t love easy. Why are you making it so fucking easy?

Freedom

I feel free. I saw you today and I almost smiled. I haven’t talked to you in a few days and I’m happy. I didn’t think I’d feel this way, but I do. I’m going to embrace it, because I deserve to be happy. Even if I did make you sad. I can only be in control of my own emotions, not yours. As much as I’d like to make you happy– that’s all I’ve been trying to do since we’ve been friends. I’ve put your emotions in front of mine for too long. It’s what I did for him too. The both of you were my number ones and I was always number two, just like I was for you.

I’ve cared so much and you’ve cared so little, wrapped up in your own life and drama of your love. You forgot I was there, in the sidelines cheering you on. Always there when you were down, when you didn’t want him, when you didn’t have him to hold. I was there. For the both of you. Open ears, open mind, open arms, but I left my heart closed. Because if it remained opened, I would’ve gotten burned, which is exactly what happened. I finally opened it. I finally opened my heart and my mouth to speak and you quickly shut it down. You can feel, but I can’t. You can love, but I can’t. You can fight, but I can’t. You can stir up drama and hate and confusion, but I can’t. I must remain silent around you and it hurts. It’s my own fault though. I shouldn’t fall into those bad habits. I shouldn’t let people walk all over me, talk to me without listening to me, judge me without hearing me out, fight with me without considering my side. When that’s all I do. All I do is wonder about you. How you’re doing. How he’s doing. How you’re both fucking doing and it hurts. Maybe I ended this the wrong way, but at least I ended it. I can say more than you can.

Better off on my own

People are beautiful. The way they laugh, express joy towards the smallest of things or offer a hand when you’re in need. Even the way people stress kind of excites me. When someone takes a long hit of their cigarette or sweats profusely.

I’ve always been a watcher, a listener, the girl who sits in the sidelines just observing the players. Maybe that’s why it’s easier for me to be on my own. I’ve seen how people are and what they can do. I know that we all hold a beauty of our own, but there’s only so much time I can spend admiring others before I start desiring their lives over my own.

I tend to drift from myself because I’ll see how happy someone else is, how successful, how loved they are and suddenly I want to do what it takes to achieve the same. I’ll copy their movements like a puppet on a string. It’s disturbing. I know deep down what I truly enjoy and who I’m really supposed to be, so when I spend all this time trying to be like someone else I start feeling so depressed.

I watch and watch and watch, like a binge night of Netflix. Then I alter myself to those personalities like an actor on set. It starts to get a little overwhelming and even tiring after a while. Coming home to an empty space, with complete silence besides the creaks made from my upstairs neighbors is literally perfection. I can start finding myself again.

I don’t know of any other way to be living, at least a way of living I’d truly enjoy. It makes me wonder if I’d ever really be happy in a relationship or with a family, with children of my own. I just can’t imagine having to sacrifice so much of myself for others.

Time to move on

Last night when I saw you I was pretty happy. I knew I looked great and could sense your gaze on me at least for a moment. At least I knew you saw me, but then when our paths crossed again you pretended as if I wasn’t even there. You didn’t even look my way. You didn’t say hi or sorry. Maybe it’s my own fault for expecting that, but it hurt. I felt my heart drop slightly as you walked right by me and left the club. My heart dropped because there was a small part of me that still held onto the idea that maybe there was still a chance for us. When you walked by me I knew that it was over. I should’ve already knew but my overpowering imagination refuses to back down despite my rational mind telling it to. I imagined the night to go differently. That was my own fault. I told myself that if you didn’t say anything that I’d finally let myself let you go. That one part of me was hoping that wouldn’t happen, but I also knew it needed to. It’s been too long. I’ve been holding on to something that’s not even real. Last night you showed me that. I’m grateful and now I can finally move on.

I’m not here for you

I’m tired. I’m tired of being the mediator. I’m tired of being the only person giving a shit at work. I’m tired of being there for everyone, but having no one there for me. I’m tired of living in everyone’s life and not my own. I do not live for others. I do not live to sit there and listen to you talk about your boyfriend. I do not live to watch and cheer you on as you achieve your dreams. I do not live to pleasure you. I do not live to make all of the arrangements and plans for the sake of your happiness. I do not live for you.

I’m not going to do it anymore. When it gets to the point where I can’t even sit on my own and decide what to do with myself, I know I’ve been focused on others for too long. It’s happened before and I’m not going to keep letting it happen. I want to achieve my own dreams, to search for my own happiness. I want to be able to sit alone and figure out what the fuck to do with myself because I’ll know what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to have to feel like I need others in order to feel a sense of drive.

We’re not to be driven and motivated by the desire to make other people happy, because once they are gone they take that happiness with them. What are you left with then? You feel a loss of energy for the work you put into them and you gain nothing from it. Fuck that. I’m tired of putting my energy into others. It’s time to focus on me.